What's up, and why isn't it down?

Okay, so this is a topic that I can't possibly approach from any angle whatsoever without being labelled as gay, or at the very least a closet-freak. But this has been on my mind for too long, and it's time that someone asks the question that I know a lot of guys before me have wondered throughout the ages, so here goes:

What the hell is up with hard dicks in the gym shower?

"I think I know what it is that's up!"

Alright, I know what you're thinking: "Christ, that was a horrible pun, and more importantly, why the hell are you looking at other guys' junk, man?!". Well, first off, let me preface this whole discussion by saying that I am as straight as they come. The closest thing I ever had to a gay experience, was admitting to my girlfriend that Matthew McConaughey was sort of cool (even though he does have an unhealthy obsession with getting naked regardless of the circumstances), and that was a painfully hard admission that had to be pretty much dragged out of me over the course of several months. Now, that being said, even I have from time to time engaged in that most ancient of games - the often played, but never spoken about, "who has the bigger one". Yes, all guys really play that game, at least once in their life, but often more.

Mind you, this isn't something that we play deliberately. I don't go around the shower sizing everyone up, and wave my own johnson in their face in hope of approval. Rather, this is something that only takes place in the peripheral spot of ones vision, and in the complete deepest recess of the mind. Why do we do this, you might ask? Well, let's face it: Size matters. And ladies, you can talk all that "motion in the ocean" bullshit you want to, but at the end of the day, would you rather have a shrimp or a whale crossing those waves? Anyway, it doesn't even matter if you have a big one or not, you'll still have times where you wonder whether yours is adequately sized. I'd love to take this opportunity to brag about the size of my own member, but this is the internet; everyone has a 12 inch penis here.

In any case, that's why we all play the game, going about our business showering without even thinking about the fact that you have just glimpsed at half a dozen dicks over the course of the last few minutes. But every now and then, something comes along, something so shocking and disturbing that one cannot help but stop and take notice.

I'm talking, of course, about semi-hard penises.

The Dennis Rodman of showering.

Okay, so maybe once in a while, you happen to be sharing the locker room with someone who's into guys and can't help but get aroused by your rocking hot body (or perhaps he just digs the whole "I'm-so-comfortable-in-my-body-I-don't-need-to-take-care-of-it" look - but then why are you at the gym in the first place, Mr. Smartypants?). But it seems that there is some discrepancy between the amount of times that this happens, and how many gay or bisexual guys there actually are. The latest survey I could find, said that 2,7% of the population in Denmark are into guys. Let's just assume for a second that over the last few years the percentage of gay or bi guys has risen, which would certainly explain the whole metro-fad so predominantly featured in every form of media from music videos to magazines and movies (not counting the Twilight saga, unless you say the word "movie" while raising your fingers to indicate metaphorical quote-signs). Let's also assume that most men are lying bastards - this should be easy.

Even then, if the rate was 10%, you'd have to account for the fact that not every gay or bi guy out there is bound to be attracted to your naked body, no matter how bootylicious it may be, and also, it should be accepted as common knowledge that having a hard-on in the shower makes you liable to get your ass kicked - once you've put back on your clothes, obviously. Nobody wants to touch a naked gay guy, out of fear of somehow becoming gay themselves.

Gayness is apparently the grown-up equivalent of cooties.

So how can it be that almost a tenth, sometimes more, of all guys seem to be sporting a half-baked loaf of bread when washing up? Are they just that attracted to their own bodies (if so, are self-centered guys by definition gay?), or is it in fact a deliberate plot on their behalf - to beef up their volumes, to fool others into thinking they have a larger member than they actually do? Are some guys so insecure that they actually seek to present themselves to other guys as being well-endowed, secretly hoping that the guy next to them in the shower is going to think "hey, what a great penis on that guy"?

Perhaps I'll never find the answer I'm seeking here. Ultimately, it comes down to human nature, an obscure entity that will never be fully mapped with all of its intricacies, regardless of scientific advances into the field. But then again, if no one ever asks these types of questions, requiring us to look into the deepest recesses of ourselves, then how would we ever progress as a race? Maybe I am just an early pioneer, boldly going where no man has gone before (without having his sexuality put under increased scrutiny). Or maybe, and far more likely, I'm just kind of nuts.

Deliberately missing from this extensive survey, are all the people who shower with their underwear on, the vast majority of which are Muslim. Now, whether this is a religious thing, or the threat of gay-cooties is just taken far more seriously in the Middle East, I have no idea.

My knowledge of Islam's stance on this is... shaky, at best.

In any case, I've seen plenty of Muslims who didn't bring a pair of boxers into the shower, so even if it is in the Qur'an, I guess it's up for debate/personal interpretation like their whole thing with drinking, or like Christians with whoring around. But that's a question that doesn't even need to exist.

After all, Jesus' lover was described as a whore - what more approval could you possibly need?