fredag den 11. november 2011

Here's a fun fact that you may or may not know: I am like most people. Sure, my awesome-to-normal ratio is way off the charts, as I happen to be not only a nerd, but an extremely cool one at that - think Dolph Lundgren, but without the whole super-Nazi Aryan bodybuilder look. And the black belt in karate. And the degree in biochemistry. And the money. All that god damn money... Nonetheless, I'm still pretty damn awesome, but even so, I am no superhuman. I come with the same physical limitations and vulnerabilities as everyone else, which means that when a person spends the better part of three hours coughing their lungs up straight into my face, I am very likely to catch the same freaking disease that he or she has.

So, as of today, I am thinking about a career in germophobia.

Because nothing says "cool nerd" like a stylish surgical mask.

Now, when I say "career" in germophobia, I don't mean that I want to study or try to cure people who are afraid of germs. I want to become one of them. I want to be overly cautious about every single little thing that might infect me with any kind of disease whatsoever. I want to get hysterical and shout obscenities at people who cough in my immediate vicinity. And most importantly, I want to never ever ever get sick again in my entire life. Not even a little bit.

You might say that I am exaggerating a bit too much. I say that I'm not exaggerating enough.

At the risk of sounding preposterously devoid of insight or reason, let me ask you a question: How many people do you think really want to get sick? Not counting kids who want to get out of going to school, I've calculated the result to be approximately around the value of a big fat zero. The reason is obvious; being sick sucks. There are no upsides to it whatsoever.

Aside from hot nurses, of course.

I realize that I am just stating the painfully obvious, and at this point your throat and fingers are probably sore from scrolling downwards and screaming "get to the point", but fear not, I'm getting to it.

Often times in childhood, every kid asks either themselves or a grown-up the question: "When will I be a full-grown adult?". We often ignore this as an inconsequential inquiry, a question that has no real or definitive answer, because it's more of a transitional event that happens over time - but the fact of the matter is, that every now and then, one can be so lucky as to find oneself in a situation where you realize that you are now, entirely, unequivocally, and fully grown up. And today I had that happen to me. And why was that?

Because I don't have time to get sick!

Taking sick-days is at this point no longer a luxury or stress reliever for me; in fact, it is quite the opposite. If I'm sick for just a day, then that whole day is wasted. I may lose out on going to work, which means I don't get paid for that day (due to it being a part-time job at a bar); I may have to stay home from school, which is certainly not something I'd ever complain about, if not for the fact that schools keep track of your absence, and if you reach a certain percentage, your ass gets tossed out of there faster than Jazzy Jeff after cracking a joke about Uncle Phil's weight.

Pictured: The educational system at its finest.

I also can't really make music, I can't go to the gym, I can't enjoy spending time with my girlfriend, and I can't even enjoy a good meal. Basically, being sick turns me into that apathetic emo kid that can't do a freaking thing but complain about the eternal suffering of existence. And nobody likes that guy.

Coming back to that whole germophobia thing, my problem is unfortunately tied into the realization that I've reached adulthood. I'd love to be able to freak out about every possible contact I make with germs and bacteria, but I just don't have the energy for it. Being grown-up means paying bills, shopping for groceries, balancing a budget, fighting for whatever little spare-time you can have, and spending that spare-time on things to further your own position in life, so that you don't fall behind on those other dues you have. And unfortunately, after all of this, protection against germs is something I don't have the capacity to give a shit about. I'm all out of shits to give. Nothing would make me happier than turning around at a guy who's coughing, and screaming out "MY GOD, MAN, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US ALL?!!!" but it's just not possible to fit that into my schedule, with everything else I have going on.

So there is the paradox: Being an adult means I should worry more about getting sick, but because I'm an adult, I don't have time to worry about stuff like that.

If there is a God, he really does have a weird sense of humor, that's for sure.

"Look at those pitiful humans, worrying about their existential conundrums. That'll teach them for killing my son."

He is a vengeful God indeed.

Ingen kommentarer:

Send en kommentar